Al, thanks so much for these two podclasses. I think you elucidated the concepts involved very clearly, and I found them poignant, and holding a lot of bearing for where I stand at the moment.
Recently, I have felt myself on a plateau - I have not found found the results I have been getting lately to be comensurate with the time I have been putting in this year, and with the importance that "getting this stuff sorted" holds for me. That is, having been listening to dating and seduction audios, or watching DVDs, and having been putting in time to both day and night approaches, I cannot say that my results this year have been any better than past years. Which led me to that old adage:
If you keep doing what you have always done, you will keep getting what you have always done.
As part of my coaching session with Andrew in last month's UCP we discussed why I felt I was still getting what I always had gotten, and what I needed to do to break out. And we set goals for me over a 30-day period, which will be reviewed at the start of October (please see below).
Where is my comfort zone?
1. In an indirect manner, trying to initiate a conversation with a woman in most environments. ie. on the street, on public transport, in a bar.
The limitations here:
- my flake rate was remaining too high for it to be randomness on the girls' part, leading me to think that I was not being "compelling" enough;
- sometimes I could not come up with a relevant situational opener so I would either bail on the approach or come up with something really lame and ineffective.
2. Going to cocktail bars where I know everyone (and get treated extremely well), but where I am only going to encounter the same crowd that I always have.
3. Spending time with existing friends rather than actively seeking to strike up new male friendships (NB: this having been living in this city for two years now - I was at my edge when I arrived, made efforts, and managed to quickly establish a great circle of friends)
Where is my edge?
1. Near the outset of an interaction, directly and unapologetically express my sexual desire for a woman.
I tried a direct approach in a restaurant mid-last year. I felt I sucked at it so much (ie. I viewed it as a failure) that I did not attempt it again.
2. Going to a bar or a club by myself, where I do not know anyone, and making a night of it (where oddly I feel more comfortable working the room by myself, when I am still "here with friends", even if they are in another room).
How have my goals been reactive?
I have been expecting to get a certain number of outcomes from women (ie. numbers, dates, lays), which has also involved my comparing myself with other people. These are clearly reactive, requiring a certain outcome from a woman, and not just my input.
Where certain amazing women have made a very significant impression on me I have become outcome-dependent in that one circumstance, feeling myself something of a failure if if we had one or two dates but then she never returned my calls. That is again needing a reaction from someone which is not under my control.
The 30-Day Goals and Approximation Map
Until the end of September I will be:
1. Making a sincere, direct approach of an average of one girl per day. That is, 30 girls in 30 days, so if I am too occupied to find an opportunity on one day, I can make it up the next day. The girls will be such that they would elicit a little fear. ie. attractive, age-appropriate.. the kind I would want to date or continue the interaction with (although I will forgive myself if she turns out to be too young - sometimes hard to tell these days..
).
I am giving myself the permission to make it a "drive-by" so that I do not become outcome-dependent (eg. needing her number) or put myself in the Panic Zone.
This, I believe, is the next step in my approximation map.
2. Going on more "holidays" to do approaches, where:
- you have no excuses to not approach because you are leaving in a few hours or days anyway, and
- wearing a "tourist hat" would see you go to any bar or club, even if you are just by yourself, because otherwise you would miss out.
PS. This far in September I am meeting the goal that was set. In making these approaches I note that even if she does not want to continue the interaction I still feel good about it, because I faced the "little fucker" in my head who was trying to come up with excuses.
