ComeLetGo
Fellow Traveller
Registered: 12/15/08
Posts: 6
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Reply with quote | #1 |
Hey,
I've found a pattern appearing in my life. Every time I find a girl I can really connect and relate with she has a weird type of a boyfriend.
I'm a superb observer and I know when a girl really wants and likes me. And each of those girls with weird boyfriends ( I'll call them WBF ) was head over heals with me. By the way, I'm in the middle of this pattern at the moment.
I'm completely chilled with them, just expressing who I am and they're crazy over me. They even mislead their boyfriends just to meet me. I can be totally sexual with them ( no resistance touching them ) but I get nowhere with them. I've went for a make out many times but they always resist even though they keep signalizing they REALLY REALLY want to be kissed from me.
Since I've been observing them I told them I know they want me and they confirmed it. I asked each one to honestly tell me if they feel good with their current boyfriends. And they all took a lot of time before telling me: sometimes.
Their boyfriends are cry-babies, most of the time it's all about arguing, they feel great only half of the time they're with them. I know this because they've told me so and I've seen a few of them.
But still, they can't let them go for the happier choice that's me. I'm not delusional about this. Maybe for the first time in their lives they feel happy around someone. I can feel how they're glowing when I'm around. I have probably showed them more love and craziness in a week than their boyfriends in a span from 3-8 months.
I don't want to steal girls, that's why I always ask if they feel happy the way it is. And even though the answer is never positive they keep their WBF. I'll rather see that the girl doesn't take my hand but is honest with herself and breaks up with the WBF to find a guy she'll be really satisfied and happy with than the choice to keep the WBF and drown in misery and unsatisfaction.
So tell me if I even have the remote control in my hands in these kinds of situations ? I can't seem to understand how it can be this way. Maybe you'll shed some light.
Thanks for reading and take care.
Love |
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unforgetable
Sherpa
Registered: 02/02/09
Posts: 76
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Reply with quote | #2 |
I've been in this postion as well, i though i holded the remote control, but ill tell you something iv learnt, girl's always know what's going on bud, sounds like shes giving u mix feelings to keep you around.
You sound like the emocational outlet to her problems with her boyfriend.
Iv been there it's tough, its horrible, and i hated it.
You have a choice, tell her u cannot bare being friend's with her anymore, as it's just awkward for you, and u can't switch ur feelings off for her, and you want to have a relationship with her.
Or
make a great friend, and help her find that decent guy she deserves!
love
unforgetable
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seanmessenger
Guide on the Path...
Registered: 10/27/07
Posts: 4,171
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Reply with quote | #3 |
totally agree with unforgetable.
you are, sadly, the emotional tampon. you are there to soak up her extra flow. yech.
you have two choices, cos YOU and you alone create what you get. either you accept this is what you deserve and want, or you stand up for yourself, make demands on people, and accept only what you really deserve and want.
be honest... cos i think it comes to this: would you rather have this situation where women you can't have "desire" you, or no women at all?
cos i think you like the ego boost from this (it does sound quite nice), and don't want to leave it behind UNLESS you have a sure thing.
there's no such thing as a sure thing. you want something better, be ready to totally leave this behind. only when you hold on to nothing are you ready to get everything.
(in other words, the girls are playing you. young girls, right? it's not their fault... they just have no clue who they are yet. so get out and stop letting them play you like a fool. sack up. get what you want or get out. poitely, of course.  )
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PianoMan
Guide on the Path...
Registered: 11/08/07
Posts: 503
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Reply with quote | #4 |
Short Version: You tried too hard to
be cool... so you're the polar opposite
of the other wussy guy that's giving
her balance in her life. (Yes, I said
"other wussy guy")
Long version:
You've marked yourself as a "nice guy" as soon
as you told them you know they want you - and you
did not act beyond that. So - she is using him
to take care of her physical needs, and you to
deal with the mental/spiritual needs. You're
actually being needy by trying to get physical
and showing you want sex too soon (or in public
places)... rather than just letting things happen
on their own in private. Your actions speak for
themselves.
By not acting, and by telling her you knew... you
made it her responsibility for anything that
happens... which is a story she can't tell her
friends comfortably. With him, he's probably a
messed up, controlling or physically dangerous
person... with the emotional depth of an peanut.
So... while she can't get everything she wants from
one guy... she uses two or more. With the
dangerous guy she can say "he's just too strong,
and he is unpredictable" and with you she can say
"he's just so interesting... but nothing happened
(or I'm not feeling for him yet)"... both are
easy stories to sell her friends w/o being judged.
As Sean said... you're getting just the leftovers...
because you set yourself up by being needy. She
feels justified in treating you this way because
she knows you won't act or take responsibility...
and since she can't be responsible... it must
"just not be there" for her.
Ironically... this is why guys should be dating
multiple girls as well... until you find someone
who can meet enough of your combined needs...
multi-sourcing is the way to fill in gaps.
-Dan
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ComeLetGo
Fellow Traveller
Registered: 12/15/08
Posts: 6
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Reply with quote | #5 |
It's funny how I can be needy when I feel no need for these girls. I truly hoped you'll give me proper answers and not the things I am not.
Did you even read it all ?
@unforgetable - How can I be an emotional outlet to her problems with the boyfriend when I never played her psychiatrist. She was never crying to me about anything. Even if she would, I really don't care about him and what problems they have.
I never started as friends with them. I always made sure they knew what interests I had.
@seanmessenger - How can you assume I am not honest. I'm totally honest with my self and other people. I told them I'm not the guy to play with and after I've seen it isn't going anywhere I have told them that we're gonna have one more meeting and if it doesn't change things I'm gone, my interest for them is gone. And so I did in each case.
@PianoMan - I didn't try anything. I am who I am and I don't give a fuck about impressing anybody whoever he/she might be. I only have this short version for you. And I've told them I can see they want me after I've been with them PRIVATE and after they didn't return the makeouts. Funny how they didn't have the resistance to just kiss on the lips.
Interested in what else you'll share.
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Nathan
Guide on the Path...
Registered: 10/30/08
Posts: 652
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Reply with quote | #6 |
Chances are she is just using you to get hot and bothered then going back to her boyfriend to use that sexual energy.
Choosing the boyfriend is the secure thing to do, so most will just stay with the man they have in your situation. Plus there's the whole taboo of what people will think about her if she breaks up with one guy for another.
I've been there before, it sucks. IMO just find an unattached girl, it will save you a lot of trouble.
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Ivan
Guide on the Path...
Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 331
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Reply with quote | #7 |
There's no way for me of knowing whether this is the case or not; I don't see you with them so take this for what it is. I'm thinking you're giving them something their not getting from their boyfriends. They are nice boys who have certain insecurities that result in what you see them arguing over. Maybe you give them a bit of a bad boy vibe, which every girl likes, but you don't give them a sense of security. They like the one side, and give into it just a little bit, but then their heart and sense turn on and they back off. If you truly have something better than what these socalled pussyass boyfriends don't, then the girls would leave them for you. But they don't. It's all fine and dandy that you think they'd be happier with you and that you ask them whether they're happy etc. but I have to agree a bit with Dan. You're putting the responsibility for what happens on them, and they can't live with that. Girls don't want to cheat or leave their boyfriend. Unless something's truly wrong and they find something better. Also, I think you're assuming that things are worse than they really are between someone just because there's an argument. Love isn't peachy all the time, but that doesn't mean you, as the outsider, are a real option. On the other hand I think you're right that a lot of women are with guys who take instead of add to their girlfreind's life. I'd look for other girls. There are too many out there to be obsessed about ones who're in relationships. Unless you feel like you were meant to be together. In that case, all you do is offer her more time with you, don't ask and dig and tell her how you know she wants you etc. to begin with. Live your life and do what you do and simply offer her time with you. Let her say yes or no to that simple Q. You can lead things towards something between the two of you if she say yes (she's then giving you the go to take responsibility for what happens), but if she says no just back off. All the best to you!
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seanmessenger
Guide on the Path...
Registered: 10/27/07
Posts: 4,171
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Reply with quote | #8 |
Quote: @seanmessenger - How can you assume I am not honest. I'm totally honest with my self and other people. I told them I'm not the guy to play with and after I've seen it isn't going anywhere I have told them that we're gonna have one more meeting and if it doesn't change things I'm gone, my interest for them is gone. And so I did in each case.
Not at all what I asked, and this answer shows pretty clearly that you are really defensive about this. I did not ask if you were honest with THEM. I asked you to be honest with yourself.
So why did you go overboard trying to prove to me you've been honest with them? What's the issue?
And then answer my question is you want real help, not just someone stroking you and saying "oh, poor sexy guy surrounded by girls who like him but there's just one little thing in the way..."
Would you rather have this situation where women you can't have "desire" you, or no women at all?
__________________
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Be your best,
Sean Messenger, lvo3.com
http://lvo3.com
"Love is the answer and you know that for sure."
- John Lennon |
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ComeLetGo
Fellow Traveller
Registered: 12/15/08
Posts: 6
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Reply with quote | #9 |
Quote: Originally Posted by seanmessengerQuote: @seanmessenger - How can you assume I am not honest. I'm totally honest with my self and other people. I told them I'm not the guy to play with and after I've seen it isn't going anywhere I have told them that we're gonna have one more meeting and if it doesn't change things I'm gone, my interest for them is gone. And so I did in each case. Not at all what I asked, and this answer shows pretty clearly that you are really defensive about this. I did not ask if you were honest with THEM. I asked you to be honest with yourself. So why did you go overboard trying to prove to me you've been honest with them? What's the issue?
Sometimes I still get the defenses up when I realize that I used to be weak in those cases.
Quote: Originally Posted by seanmessenger
And then answer my question is you want real help, not just someone stroking you and saying "oh, poor sexy guy surrounded by girls who like him but there's just one little thing in the way..."
Would you rather have this situation where women you can't have "desire" you, or no women at all?
What I probably should have done in the first place when the boyfriend occurred was to forget about him and just try to end the deal whether and if successful than awesome, let's enjoy. If not then I would have done the same I did now. I've told them I won't bother anymore and move on.
That's why I would say I rather have no women in life than to be in these situations forever.
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PianoMan
Guide on the Path...
Registered: 11/08/07
Posts: 503
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Reply with quote | #10 |
Yes, I did read your post. Here's how your
need is visible to her:
You need her to decide to be with you because...
You're not leading or protecting her or her
reputation like you should be.
-Dan
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PianoMan
Guide on the Path...
Registered: 11/08/07
Posts: 503
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Reply with quote | #11 |
Almost forgot - you also need her for sex.
She can tell from you trying to touch all the time.
Some call it escalation... she calls it a strong
indicator of your intent.
-Dan
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seanmessenger
Guide on the Path...
Registered: 10/27/07
Posts: 4,171
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Reply with quote | #12 |
Quote: That's why I would say I rather have no women in life than to be in these situations forever.
Then, as always, you already KNEW the answer. We just helped you find it.
When you feel a situation like this coming up, act in YOUR best interest. Tell the girl clearly something like "I feel some real spark here, but you've got a dude, and I don't play that "other guy" game. So if you want something to happen here, let's get real. If not, that's cool, but I'm not your backup."
No anger. No resentment. You are being clear and loving and honest and bold, which is what she needs.
And by doing this, you will end up with a LOT more girls acting on their feelings than if you tried to play it slick.
__________________
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Be your best,
Sean Messenger, lvo3.com
http://lvo3.com
"Love is the answer and you know that for sure."
- John Lennon |
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chocolate
Sherpa
Registered: 12/19/07
Posts: 52
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Reply with quote | #13 |
Quote: Originally Posted by ComeLetGo
I don't want to steal girls, that's why I always ask if they feel happy the way it is.
The way I see it, you're not really stealing a girl if they're not married. My past relationships involved girls who had bf's during the time I had met them and started talking to them, and they ended up dumping them for me. If you look at it the way I see it, then you should steal them. It's all a game, unless they're married. I won't mess with that.
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Nightgaunt
Guide on the Path...
Registered: 10/11/08
Posts: 155
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Reply with quote | #14 |
Hey Chocolate,
Just be careful if this is a pattern. Find out if you are seeking girls who are 'taken' because you don't want to really be with them, or because you are afraid of really being with someone.
Don't know if it is the case for you, but it was the case for me. Even when I was with a girl who was married, I did it because I figured I wasn't worth being the only one for anyone... Wasn't the greatest feeling ever. Even if, in some moments, I felt superior to her "lame" husband, in the end I was losing and so was he and so was she.
Yeah you aren't dealing with marriage so it is a little different, but I guess if you are letting yourself be second best it may be similar.
Can't stand in your shoes though.
Piece & Love,
Rob
__________________
The hat on your head the ghosts before breakfast
The lump in your throat the name on her necklace
She’s certain she’ll never be caught
You can buy her things now but she’ll never be bought |
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chocolate
Sherpa
Registered: 12/19/07
Posts: 52
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Reply with quote | #15 |
Nightgaunt,
I'm not searching for taken girls it just so happened that these girls that I met already had boyfriends. I just didn't see it as a barrier and neither should anyone else, in my opinion. But I do have to admit, it feels good when you "steal" someone's girl. I guess you can say it's a little more challenging.
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Matt
Moderator
Registered: 10/27/07
Posts: 1,243
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Reply with quote | #16 |
Quote: Originally Posted by chocolate
Nightgaunt,
But I do have to admit, it feels good when you "steal" someone's girl. I guess you can say it's a little more challenging.
If you want a challenge, try keeping ONE girl happy, satisfied, and fulfilled.
The satisfaction from that alone will keep you going for weeks on end!
__________________
Work like you do not need the money, love like you never been hurt before and dance...like nobody is watching! - Liliana Graham
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seanmessenger
Guide on the Path...
Registered: 10/27/07
Posts: 4,171
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Reply with quote | #17 |
just remember, karma is pretty simple.
if you "steal" her from someone, chances are VERY good someone will "steal" her from you.
__________________
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Be your best,
Sean Messenger, lvo3.com
http://lvo3.com
"Love is the answer and you know that for sure."
- John Lennon |
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username
Sherpa
Registered: 02/23/08
Posts: 86
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Reply with quote | #18 |
In this case, "stealing" mean if you know she's involved and you pester, manipulate, and convince her to leave her BF for you right? But it wouldn't be stealing if she decides to leave her BF on her own terms for you?
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Matt
Moderator
Registered: 10/27/07
Posts: 1,243
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Reply with quote | #19 |
Play word scemantics all you want 
Remember to be prepared to have happen to you what you do to others..
__________________
Work like you do not need the money, love like you never been hurt before and dance...like nobody is watching! - Liliana Graham
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username
Sherpa
Registered: 02/23/08
Posts: 86
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Reply with quote | #20 |
Quote: Originally Posted by MattPlay word scemantics all you want Remember to be prepared to have happen to you what you do to others..
Yeah, I believe in karma too but if most attractive women are in some sort of relationship, do you sit on the bench and observe or do you go out and try to get what you want?
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Matt
Moderator
Registered: 10/27/07
Posts: 1,243
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Reply with quote | #21 |
Quote: Originally Posted by username
Yeah, I believe in karma too but if most attractive women are in some sort of relationship, do you sit on the bench and observe or do you go out and try to get what you want?
__________________
Work like you do not need the money, love like you never been hurt before and dance...like nobody is watching! - Liliana Graham
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seanmessenger
Guide on the Path...
Registered: 10/27/07
Posts: 4,171
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Reply with quote | #22 |
Everyone is always looking for the love of their life... if they aren't with that person right now.
If your intentions are to find real love, you will know what to do. Personally, I would have no issue with a man who "stole" my girl if they were in love, happy, and he was good to her. It would still hurt, but I've always thought of it as if my girl goes with someone else, it's because I let her go.
On the other hand, if a guy tries to get my girl drunk so he can fuck her and dump her, I'd have to beat the ever-living shit out of him.
__________________
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Be your best,
Sean Messenger, lvo3.com
http://lvo3.com
"Love is the answer and you know that for sure."
- John Lennon |
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